Credits: Julia C.
Shared by: DBSKnights
er.....all of your responses make me really happy! Lets spread the Dong Bang Love~~~kya kya kya~~~
So let me dig back into my memory pool: as I heard the chairs rustling, I realized “oh my God, I’d better look up!” And much to my dismay by the time I looked up Jaejoong was already out the door. (I know I already wrote it in part 1 but here let me DO IT ONE MORE AGAIN: WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I seriously suffered from major wailing inside. I was dying to catch a view of his whole person but alas that ship just, like, sailed. T_T) I frantically searched outside the glass walls of the restaurant with my eyes and THANK GOD there he was, standing right in front of the restaurant with some staff people surrounding him and yes again he seemed sad to me when he wasn’t speaking or when no one was interacting with him. Perhaps it was my imagination, and I do know how Jaejoong just appears kind of stone-faced when he goes into his expressionless mode (which I love and find it hilarious, instead of cold or distant like it’s been described....since he’s just kind of whimsical like that....going off somewhere else in his mind even during interviews.....) However, this seemed a little different to me: he really seemed like someone who was slightly traumatized. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve all read about Park Yonha’s news of suicide (may you rest in pease, Mr. Park) and we all know that JJ and he were BFFs and even talked on the phone just the day before Mr. Park ended his own life. When I saw Jaejoong standing outside, he seemed so very thin (although not as thin as Yoochun, OMG that boy lost weight, but I will talk about that later), wearing a black T shirt and tights black pants and a black beanie, casual yet totally awesome-looking, while feeling amazed at his beauty, it just made me ache to see this (what I perceive to be) aura of loss around him, like somehow he felt lost in the world and didn’t quite know how to be, where to go or what to do with himself. And who knows, it’s not easy being in a foreign country on a tight schedule anyway even without any of these traumatic events, and I very well could’ve been reading something into nothing at all (all of this was VERY SUBTLE and I am severely Jaejoong biased, anyway). Regardless, my heart just poured out to him. There was a staff person lingering inside the restaurant (actually, when they were still eating inside the restaurant, this young woman came in with a baby and said hi to the group, apparently the wife of one of the staff members and she stayed behind to eat because she came in late so one of the staff people that I assumed to be her husband stayed with her while everyone else went outside.) I thought about going up to that staff person, asking if he could possibly pass a message of condolences to Jaejoong or actually all three of them to convey support, but I eventually decided against it (trust me, there were times that I questioned if I was just retarded and missed this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity to communicate with them.)
As I was sitting there, my eyes just kept going to Jaejoong while he was standing outside the restaurant: this tired, thin, cheerful when interacted with, smiled upon watching Junsu playing around him, sad when no one was looking Jaejoong. There was this slight frown, and he looked troubled to me, slightly anguished even, and maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe it was all my imagination, but I thought to myself there’s no way Jaejoong didn’t know how loved he was. I mean come on, this is the young man who tried so hard to contain his tears during the Dome concerts and kept repeating over and over again to the audience how he realized the importance of smiling for everyone else, and that how he knew seeing him cry would make others cry and that he only wanted to make people happy. I think about how, for any grieving person, the last thing they need is to need to pretend they are okay for anyone else when they are grieving that loss and going through the pain. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat there and watched him (he was outside now so I let myself look more freely since there’s more distance) and sent prayers to him while looking at him, Jaejoong, who stood there, tender and open to his beloved members and staff yet slightly away from us all:
“Jaejoong, may you let yourself feel the pain that you need in order to realize how much you did love your friend and learn to still keep that love for yourself still even though it hurts you right now because you really miss him. May you realize how much it WASN’T your fault that he had to leave the way he did, and that it wasn’t his, either. May you experience the freedom of knowing that your friend would always be your friend, whatever form your friendship may now take, and may you be loved, supported, heard, nurtured, understood, and respected as you continue to grieve this terrible loss and learn to connect with your friend still in heart after his passing. May you really REMEMBER that it wasn’t your fault and know that every suicide survivor experiences guilt at some point, and may you have the space to go through this journey with grace and ease. May you sleep well, eat well, and breathe easy. May you be hugged often and by those that you love. May you give yourself the freedom to cry if and when you need to. May you realize that we all have FAITH in you, whatever you may need to go through. And most importantly, may you have faith in us as well to trust us that we love you just the way you are, so there’s no need to be perfect for us. Cassiopeia loves you. May you feel that love, be nurtured by it, instead of burdened.”
“And yes, Jaejoong, may your friend rest in peace. May your heart find peace as well as you let him go into peace. He’s peaceful now, so it’s important that you let yourself as well. I know that pain if inevitable, so as a fan, all I can do is to send you prayers, everyday.”
I sat there and tried to pour these thoughts and emotions through my eyes as I looked at him, and trust me, I know that sounds a little crazy, but perhaps that’s the true beauty of being hardcore fan (I never was before for anyone else, not to this degree, and I doubt that I ever will again) was that I didn’t care, for the act of praying brought me such joy. It was really a very strange sensation: I associate such greatness with them, receive such joy from them, and they have no idea who I was, and that was, like, totally okay! Wow, what a gift! Thanks boys! :)
But, that’s enough with the sad and the gloomy, let me turn back a couple of steps and talk about the other precious two. As I was bummed out by the the quick leavetaking of Jaejoong and in between my deciding if I should go up to the staff person to ask for the passing of a message and eventually deciding to just pray for Jaejoong, I did not fail to notice that Junsu and Yoochun were STILL IN THE RESTAURANT! And WAH WAH WAH THEY STOOD UP so I was totally looking their whole persons instead of just the half profile view. My God Yoochun was THIN. Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin. Of course he was gorgeous and totally charming (even with his back put up as his constant state), yet you wonder where all that food went inside this tiny body. He had shorts on (ah here I totally feel perverted and sorry Yoochun if this invades your privacy but I know that fangirls would want to know.....) so, ugh, his BARE LEGS were in plain view right in front of me after he stood up. (Argh gulp I really feel so perverted, but I looked!!! I looked!!! Waaaah!!!) Really, really pale skinned and not much hair on his legs (some) and he had some sort of supporting wrap going around his left ankle (black) so hopefully no injuries (he looked completely normal when he walked later). He stood there speaking with Junsu and then with the waitress again before he walked out (he was the last one to walk out), and the waitress TOTALLY looked at him with loving eyes while Yoochun again engaged with her in that young-ish way (AH SO CUTE!). She even reach her hand to pat his back as he turned to leave like you would a young relative or child, just adoring him, and you could tell that Yoochun was used to being adored (can you blame him?) I thought to myself such is the charm of DBSK......so famous yet to those whom they open themselves up to (well, particularly Yoochun when he does) you can’t help but just get KA-POWed and be overtaken by their charm, regardless of age or gender or race! (Mirotic much, anyone? ~~~under my skin~~~oh yeah y’all got it all right! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! **imagine Changmin scream please.)
And as I said, Junsu walked out before Yoochun, and as I was praying to Jaejoong (wait, that sounds funny. I meant that that I was looking at him while I prayed for him....I do know that he’s NOT baby Jesus), I noticed that Junsu was, I kid you not, happily bouncing around. (HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, JUST LIKE I’VE SEEN ON NUMEROUS VIDEO CLIPS!) But first let me backtrack to when he first stood up in the restaurant.......can you believe it?.....I still don’t remember what kind of pants he was wearing even after he stood up! That just goes to show you how appealing his face was so whenever I looked at him I was drawn to his upper body more than anything else, and he really did look exactly how he looked on TV (maybe because he was the only who was styling and had makeup on?) He seemed more filled out than Yoochun (Yoochun you really need to put on some weight....) and got great skin as well. I watched him walk out the door and as soon as he was out it was like a child out of the the school room, (or bird out of the gate to be more exact.) He immediately started talking, laughing, playing with Jaejoong and other staff people. He would walk around rapidly from one person to the next, saying something in an animated way, and then to the next person, lots of waving of the arms and totally complete bright smile to enliven the air around him......ah what a mood-maker! (Japanese pronunciation please.) At one point he even excitedly pointed one finger at one of the staff persons, exuberantly said something right to his face to make some drastic comment, before rushing up towards him and engulfing him in a hug as if a child throwing a prank on an adult and quickly going up to him to plea forgiveness (AH I CAN’T HELP BUT TOTALLY SMILE RIGHT NOW, JUNSU I LOVE YOU~~~). He was outside so I couldn’t hear, but I imagine it must have had been Kya kya kya Kya kya kya Kya kya kya all over the place: I mean, if I could fill up the space with captions like they do on Korean or Japanese shows, I would totally subtitled the entire scene right in front of me with Jun-jan Kya kya Kya like they did at the AADBSK 3 bed time talk!!!
Yet alas, all good thing must come to an end, including this great chance encounter. (I am still walking around dazed, and this is what, more than 48 hours later now....oh you dong bang boys are something else....doushite.....kimi wo suki ni natte shimattandarou....I could hear the music going off in my ear....wahahahahahaha.....yet, that’s right....”boku wa tamago ski geto, kimi no suki!!!” **I do know I am not a man and therefore shouldn’t use Boku, but seriously, isn’t Junsu awesome?) As I watched him playing around with the staff and the other two, (at one point a car tried to pull into the space that they were standing in and it was so funny to see them slightly startled and slowly moved away almost like timid kids gradually scattering......wahahahahaha seriously kill me now.......too....cute.....), I couldn’t help but realize that JYJ, really, truly, are just REAL PEOPLE as well. It’s so easy, all too easy, to elevate them into godlike status and fall into this haze of total adoration, for they were indeed very special and gifted. Yet, at the same time I could see that they were really just young men who NEEDED ONE ANOTHER and perhaps are now going through some of the greatest challenges of their lives, while the whole world watches.
So, even though I was still trembling inside from the shock of seeing them, and just like any other fan OF COURSE I totally wanted to look and know everything about their lives, I all of sudden realized for an instant what these beautiful young men had GIVEN UP in order to go after their dreams, and what a GIFT it had been for us to receive their talents, their raw selves, year after year, even though we are all somewhat broken up inside about the trial and tribulation from the past year. And for that, I decided to finish this one article that I had been working on (I started back in June after the Dome concert, since after seeing clips of the song “W” I just HAD TO DO SOMETHING). I had to think of something to comfort myself, to allow myself to admit to myself that, yes, things are different now, and some of it truly, honestly, are terribly sad and heartbreaking, even though none of us knows what’s going to happen next and all of us still KEEPING THE FAITH, the best we know how (thank you boys for giving us an opportunity to practice). So, as with going through any kind of loss, I decided to write because I believe it’s through letting myself feel the pain, expressing it, releasing it, I will then be able to find the love and faith to continue and begin again. I believe that’s how the song “W” was born for JYJ, and I believe that all five will be able to transform their pain into glory. Yet, however, I just couldn’t finish writing my article then, because it was just too painful. BUT! The MIRACLE of chancing upon them filled me up with energy to complete that writing. And while I didn’t plan to share that writing with anyone initially, as it was meant to comfort myself only, I changed my mind. As I watched their vans pulled away (they got into two white vans.....I know after this all the white vans in Korea town are gonna get extra love and attention now :), as I type all this up right now, this beautiful acapella starts to ring in my ear....the five voices, the most beautiful harmony that we all know all love.....the song starts to play in my head as it fills me with love:
~~~Every day, and night, with you
~~~Furueru kimi no te wo nigirishimerukala (I will hold your small hand tightly)
~~~Every day, every night, everywhere
~~~Tsunagaru kanshokuwo (Lets verify our connection of feelings)
~~~Ima monogatari wa... Begin (Now, the story will.....begin.)
(For the article “Even Cassies Have To Grow Up, Too”, please visit http://forcassiesonly.blogspot.com/) Thanks DBSKnights for posting this encounter, and out of respect for the DBSKnight site (since the article isn’t a sighting but my thoughts that came afterwards, I created this page to host just that, but of course you are most welcomed to post if you want to. Thank you for this opportunity of sharing! I feel so close to all of you! AKTF! Hwaiting! Sarangeyo~~~)